Lighten up!

[ezdays]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
ops: ops: ops: ops:

 

[philip]

ouch! thats the only response............................

 

[CN1]

Here goes another one.......


Two blondes are walking down a country road. On the way, they spot another blonde in a rowboat, trying to row across a field.

One says to the other: "That bitch, it's girls like her that give us a bad name."
With the reply: "Yeah, if I could swim, i'd swim out there and kick her ass!"

 

[CN1]

OK here's another.....

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[CN1]

.......and the last one

Words to live by.....sort of

*I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
*Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
*Half the people you know are below average.
*99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
*42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

*A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
*If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
*All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

*I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
*OK, so what's the speed of dark?
*How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
*If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
*Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

*When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
*Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
*Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
*I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

*Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
*What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
*My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
*Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
*If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

*A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
*Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
*The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
*The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

*The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
*The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

 

[CN1]

OK, I lied


Management Lesson

Lesson One...

An eagle was sitting on a tree - resting...doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing"?
The eagle answered, "Sure, why not"?
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of the sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson...To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two...

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree; but, I haven't got the energy", sighed the turkey.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?", replied the
bull.."they're packed with nutrients".

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, on the fifth day, he found himself proudly perched at
the top. There, he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him out of the
tree.

Management Lesson...Bull sh*t might get you to the top; but, it won't
keep you there.


Lesson Three...

A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird's wings froze and he fell to the ground in a large field. While he was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird
lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The
dung was actually thawing him out! The bird lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management lesson...

1.) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

2.) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

3.) And, when you're in deep sh*t it's best to keep your mouth
shut!!!

 

[eightyeightfan1]

A truck driver on a long haul pulls into a diner to get some coffee and a bite to eat. While waiting for his burger, he drinks his coffee. After a few sips, a huge cockroach came out from behind a stack of plates, grabbed a coffee cup, went to the coffee urn and poured himself some coffee. The cockroach then crawled along the counter with his coffee, put in some sugar, and politely asked the trucker for the creamer. After the cockroach fixed his coffee, he went back behind the stack of plates, with his cup.
The trucker, stunned, called over the waitress and said, "I just saw the weirdest thing!", then started to tell the waitress about the cockroach he just saw.
"That is weird." the waitress replied. "He usually takes it black."

 

[Pitchwife]

the facts of life!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup
crew.

20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew
up.

22. Proscrastinate Now!

23. My dog can lick anyone!

24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the
software.

26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

29. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory on your computer.

32. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

33. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

 

[rcwatkins]

Security Guard: Is this man harassin you?
Ticket Lady: Yes
Man: WAS NOT! I'M JUST MAD THAT THIS AIRPLANE TICKET COSTS $472.33! THAT'S ALL! :curse:
Security Guard: Then take Southwest, son.
Man: Actually I need to find my family, you CRAZY ROBOT!
Security Guard: I don't care about your kids.
Man: We'll see about THAT when they invent molecular transport, puttin you folks outta business!
Security Guard: We shall see...
50 years later
Man: Ha ha ha ha! My kids done it! They brought down the(cough cough) plane!
I love life (euhgggggh)
Wife: Heeelppp! HE FELL DOWN (COUGH) AND HE CAN'T GET UP(puuueggggggh!!!)
THE END. And remember that it's the inner beauty that counts, no matter how ugly you think stomachs and intestines are.

 

[trainworm]

a little boy was in the basement playing with his model railroad. he pulled the train into the station and sais "all you idiots who want to get on the train get on, and all you idiots who want to get off the train get off." his mom was at the top of the stairs and overheard her son. she went down to the basement and told her son "go up to your room! you are grounded until you learn to be nice and to watch your language" the kid sat in his room for a while, then asked his mom if he could go back down and play with the trains again. his mom said "yes, as long as you learned your lesson." so the boy pulls the train into the station again and says "all you nice people who want to get off the train, get off. and all you nice people who want to get on the train, get on." "and if anyone wants to complain about the delay, go talk to the moron upstairs"

 

[ezdays]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the on a local communter train. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

 

[Pitchwife]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** kissing that will put you over the top

 

[K.V.Div]

If Men Ruled The World


1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "You'll get 'em next time!" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentines Day would be moved to Febuary 29th so it would only occur every leap year.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to persue your favorite hobby. Mothers Day too.
5. St Patricks Day, however would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite Monday Night Sports would be Monday Night Sports from a Different Camera Angle.
9. Instead of "beer Belly", you'd get "beer Biceps".
10. Locomotives would be far easier to rent.

 

[shaygetz]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.


THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.


Amzanig huh?

 

[fifer]

Hey Shaygetz , After reading your post I think they need to write books in this fashion as I was able to read it faster than I normally do !!!

Mike

 

[philip]

good one Shaygetz

 

[shaygetz]

Personally, when I realized that I could indeed understand what I was reading, I thought some of those 70s style pharmicuticals were coming back to haunt me.

 

[fifer]

AGAIN!!!!


Mike

 

[philip]

some of those make great scenery.

 

[interurban]

Don`t Mess With Old Ladies

DON'T MESS WITH OLD LADIES



An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner...

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.