I know it's not quite Christmas but, I fell about laughing when this arrived in my mail from my Son -in-law .
( remember the 12 days of christmas song, well here's a parody on it.)
14th December 1st Day
Dearest Darling John
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pair tree!
What a wonderful delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.
Your ever loving Agnes
15th December 2nd Day
My Dearest John
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Two turtle doves, I am delighted with them and they are adorable.
All my love Agnes
16th December 3rd Day
Dearest John
Oh! How extravagant you are, I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens, your too kind.
Your ever loving Agnes
17th December 4th Day
Dear John
What can I say, Four beautiful calling birds arrived today, you are most thoughtful.
Love Agnes
18th December 5th Day
My Dearest John
What a surprise, the postman delivered Five gold rings, one for each finger. You really are impossible boy but I love you. Frankly, all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.
Your Ever loving Agnes
19th December 6th Day
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front doorstep. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them and I can’t sleep.
Cordially yours Agnes
20th December 7th Day
JOHN
What is it with you and these sodding birds ? Now I’ve got Seven Swans a swanning. Is this some sort of Joke. The house is full of bird crap, and the racket…………….. Stop sending me birds
Yours Agnes
21st December 8th Day
OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds, what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking. It’s not enough with all these birds now I’ve got cows crapping all over the house and mooing all night
LAYOFF! Agnes
22nd December 9th Day
Look Craphead
Are you some kind of nut????? Now I have nine pipers playing, and Christ do they play! When they aren’t playing their blasted pipes they keep chasing the maids through the cow Platt. The cows keep on mooing and treading all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
GET KNOTTED Agnes
23rd December 10th Day
You rotten bastard.
Now we have Ten ladies dancing How on earth can you call these whores “ladies” is beyond me. They’re pulling the pipers all night long, the cows can’t sleep and have now got diarrhoea, my living room is a sea of crap.
SOD OFF Agnes
24th December 11th Day
Listen crap face
What with ELEVEN lords a-leaping all over the maids, the pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet, and also committing sodomy with the cows. The birds are dead and rotting and stinking the place to hell having been trampled during the orgy. I hope your satisfied.
SWINE Agnes
25th December 12th Day
You Stinking lousy PIG.
Twelve drummers drumming have teamed up with the pipers in making one hell of a racket. Both lots have been at the lords, and who knows what’s happened to the milk maids - they’ve probably drowned in the cow dung by now. The only way I have saved myself from getting screwed to death was to hide in the pair tree which had been fertilised and has shot through the roof.
I send you seasonal greetings………….
Agnes
Shamus
( remember the 12 days of christmas song, well here's a parody on it.)
14th December 1st Day
Dearest Darling John
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pair tree!
What a wonderful delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.
Your ever loving Agnes
15th December 2nd Day
My Dearest John
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Two turtle doves, I am delighted with them and they are adorable.
All my love Agnes
16th December 3rd Day
Dearest John
Oh! How extravagant you are, I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens, your too kind.
Your ever loving Agnes
17th December 4th Day
Dear John
What can I say, Four beautiful calling birds arrived today, you are most thoughtful.
Love Agnes
18th December 5th Day
My Dearest John
What a surprise, the postman delivered Five gold rings, one for each finger. You really are impossible boy but I love you. Frankly, all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.
Your Ever loving Agnes
19th December 6th Day
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front doorstep. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them and I can’t sleep.
Cordially yours Agnes
20th December 7th Day
JOHN
What is it with you and these sodding birds ? Now I’ve got Seven Swans a swanning. Is this some sort of Joke. The house is full of bird crap, and the racket…………….. Stop sending me birds
Yours Agnes
21st December 8th Day
OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds, what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking. It’s not enough with all these birds now I’ve got cows crapping all over the house and mooing all night
LAYOFF! Agnes
22nd December 9th Day
Look Craphead
Are you some kind of nut????? Now I have nine pipers playing, and Christ do they play! When they aren’t playing their blasted pipes they keep chasing the maids through the cow Platt. The cows keep on mooing and treading all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
GET KNOTTED Agnes
23rd December 10th Day
You rotten bastard.
Now we have Ten ladies dancing How on earth can you call these whores “ladies” is beyond me. They’re pulling the pipers all night long, the cows can’t sleep and have now got diarrhoea, my living room is a sea of crap.
SOD OFF Agnes
24th December 11th Day
Listen crap face
What with ELEVEN lords a-leaping all over the maids, the pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet, and also committing sodomy with the cows. The birds are dead and rotting and stinking the place to hell having been trampled during the orgy. I hope your satisfied.
SWINE Agnes
25th December 12th Day
You Stinking lousy PIG.
Twelve drummers drumming have teamed up with the pipers in making one hell of a racket. Both lots have been at the lords, and who knows what’s happened to the milk maids - they’ve probably drowned in the cow dung by now. The only way I have saved myself from getting screwed to death was to hide in the pair tree which had been fertilised and has shot through the roof.
I send you seasonal greetings………….
Agnes
Shamus
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