Train ride
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi, an Australian, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand
print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark,
but missed and fondled the old lady.
She slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: That Australian must have groped the blonde in the
dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
that Kiwi again.
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi, an Australian, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand
print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark,
but missed and fondled the old lady.
She slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: That Australian must have groped the blonde in the
dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
that Kiwi again.
I present: COM AND CON!
Commercial "Buy this pill for only $153!"
Consumer "And I will lose about 9ounces of money"
Commercial"Some people are just smarter than the rest."
Consumer "No, everyine is smarter than someone on something, that's all."
Commercial "Choose well"
Consumer "You have a drive thru too"
Commercial "Everyone laughed at my invention"
Consumer "And look where there at now"
Commercial "Listen to all your favorite songs"
Consumer "Don't forget the intermittent static!"
Commercial "Get a free movie ticket" max value $7
Consumer "And wind up paying all for nothing"
Commercial "And you can get cell phone service for on $10
Consumer "Don't forget service, another phone, roaming, overages, daytime minutes, and the 593 breadwinnin' charges!"
Commercial "At MY store, you can have it your way"
Consumer " YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ONE SCRAP OF CHEESE!?!?!?
Commercial "But after all this I have some good news"
Consumer "u seavd a bnuch o' monie bi switchin' to Geico!"
Commercial "yep"
Consumer :cry: BUT, that's ok, cuz thank's to Com and Con, I didn't waste my money"
Com "U fergot sumtin"
Con "What?"
Com "THE CABLE"
Con :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
:curse: :curse: :curse: 
Com "We'll, I'm done for today. And I don't even have to fight traffic."
Even when we lose, we should still look on the bright side. After all, we could be the next 80cent kid. 
Commercial "Buy this pill for only $153!"
Consumer "And I will lose about 9ounces of money"
Commercial"Some people are just smarter than the rest."
Consumer "No, everyine is smarter than someone on something, that's all."
Commercial "Choose well"
Consumer "You have a drive thru too"
Commercial "Everyone laughed at my invention"
Consumer "And look where there at now"
Commercial "Listen to all your favorite songs"
Consumer "Don't forget the intermittent static!"
Commercial "Get a free movie ticket" max value $7
Consumer "And wind up paying all for nothing"
Commercial "And you can get cell phone service for on $10
Consumer "Don't forget service, another phone, roaming, overages, daytime minutes, and the 593 breadwinnin' charges!"
Commercial "At MY store, you can have it your way"
Consumer " YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ONE SCRAP OF CHEESE!?!?!?
Commercial "But after all this I have some good news"
Consumer "u seavd a bnuch o' monie bi switchin' to Geico!"
Commercial "yep"
Consumer :cry: BUT, that's ok, cuz thank's to Com and Con, I didn't waste my money"
Com "U fergot sumtin"
Con "What?"
Com "THE CABLE"
Con :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
:curse: :curse: :curse: Com "We'll, I'm done for today. And I don't even have to fight traffic."
Even when we lose, we should still look on the bright side. After all, we could be the next 80cent kid.
Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were very prolific, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.
The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were very prolific, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.
The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
P
philip
this land
I figured I would hide this here in the humor thread. This was featured on national TV earlier this week. Takes about ten minutes to download on a dial-up.
www.jibjab.com
I figured I would hide this here in the humor thread. This was featured on national TV earlier this week. Takes about ten minutes to download on a dial-up.
www.jibjab.com
Stress Management
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that
it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that
it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.
P
philip
Fwd
As long as I am writing... a police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real...
Click here: http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
philip
As long as I am writing... a police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real...
Click here: http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
philip