Lighten up!

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A man was driving down a street and had a flat tire in front of a sanatarium.
He gets out of the car and starts to change the tire as a shut-in walks up to the fence and starts to stare at him and clinging to the fence. As time goes on the lug nuts were place carfully in the hubcap for safe keeping. The man positioned the spare in place and reached for the lug nuts and knoked the hubcap over and the lug nuts fell hoplessly into the nearby storm drain. As the man pondered the predicament for some time , the shut-in finally says to the dejected motorist. " why don't you take a lug nut off of each of the other wheels and use them to hold the spare on and get you to a tire store?" . The thankful , yet bewildered , motorist said to the shut-in
" Wow" "that was pretty darn smart of you!".
To which the shut-in answered " I'm not in here because I'm stupid , I'm in here because I'm crazy!".

Mike :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :thumb:
 
Lighten up

Thanks for making my day! Round 2
:thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
From Microsoft, a message to help you correct a problem:)

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2003
KENTUCKY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of
KENTUCKY. If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.

The KENTUCKY EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen.
It reads:

WINDERS 2003, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a
bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN KENTUCKY EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start......crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the KENTUCKY EDITION does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2003:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net..........Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers..................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a
copy of the KENTUCKY EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.

I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
 
Bad puns R us

Bad puns R us (Hey, don't blame me, I just repeat what I see):

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank -- proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each
other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an
electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his
habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03
p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the
bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut
extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with
hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular
time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory
daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns,in the hope that at least one of the puns
would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a
wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me
crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very
simple. You're two tents."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've
seen Amal."
 
Annudder bad pun:

Zebediah and his egg business:

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair...

Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise...

(No groaning...)
 
My turn Hehehhe

A young man was walking on a jungle beach one day.... A Porpoise rolled up on shore.. The man decided to help him.

He was very suprised to hear the porpose say" help us - we need food!"

The man was aghast, he said "You talk!!"

The Porpose replied" Of course we can talk - we're immotal"

The Man was glad to help them... But hearing of the Porpose's plight decided that this might have been a bad idea.. The Porposes needed Myna Birds to survive.

He went into the jungle and actually found a Mynah Bird. But as he exited the jungle he noticed a lion had fallen asleep on the trail..

The jungle was too thick to travel through - so he carefully stepped over the sleeping lion.... Being sure to keep the Mynah quiet...

As he gave the Mynah to the Porpose - he was arrested....


For Transporting Mynahs... over stayed lions... for Immortal porposes..
:eek: :eek: :eek: :D :D :D
 
Ok - now you got me going back a couple dozen years... LOL

A Woman bought her son a pair of tennis shoes....

About a week later they were at the zoo. He took off his shoes so he could walk in the fountain in the zoo, with the other kids.

When he returned - he noticed a shoe was missing... He looked in the Tiger cage & noticed a shoe string....

His mother summoned a Zoo Employee & when they told him the story, he agreed that the Zoo would buy him a new pair of Tennies....

But then he broke out in laughter... The boy and his mother stared in wonderment, then laughed, as the man said:

"Hey little boy... Is that the cat that ate your new shoe????" :D :D :D :D
 
A man went to the airport after 9/11. He wanted to see his children at the gate. When he got to the gate this unfolded:
Security: You can't go through this gate.
Man: Yes I can!
Security: You gotta get a plane ticket fer cryin out loaud!
Man: I'm gettin through that there gate!
Security: Get a ticket!
At The counter
Man: I need a ticket
Seller: where do you wanna go?
Man: Uh, let me see....I think Jacksonville but ah do no fer all I caere.
Seller: You be on flight 215 which leaves in 45 minutes. Your total is $472.33
Man: WHAT!?!? THAT'S MY MONTHLY MODEL RAILROAD ALLOWANCE RIGHT THERE MISSY!!!:curse:
Seller: Ride your stupid train!
Man: YER BEIN SUED BY ME AND MY FRIENDS AT THE GAUGE FER DISCRIMINATION OF OUR HOBBY!!!
Seller: YER GOIN TEH SECURITY!!! Security this is (fill in the blank)! This man's sexually harassin me!
Security Officer: Yeah he's got a problem. Hit em with mace till I get there. Lemme finish this doughnut here!
To be continued......;)
 
Bad decision

A Dinner Conversation gone wrong

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Oh crap....."
 
Philip!!! Is this thread going to end up as long as the Brain teaser / diversion thread!!???!!???!!???

undefinedmaybe :rolleyes:



:wave: :wave: :wave:
 
keeping the x at bay

This woman of 35 was being harassed by her x.

She goes to the pet shop to buy protection. she was looking for a german Shepherd or Doberman. The manager said they were all out.

As she was leaving the store she noticed this animal sitting in a chair. She asked the owner what is it? Its a Woolie Booger! Whats it do? The manager looked at the Woolie Booger and said " Woolie Booger that chair ( and the Woolie Booger tore that chair all to hell). She said ,I'll take it.

She arrives home and sets the Woolie Booger on the dining room table. Ten minutes or so pass and the X arrives letting himself in with a key he refuses to give back. He then plops his ass down on the recliner. Get me a beer #@*#@ he yells.
She politely hands the beer to her X and as he turns he see's the animal on the dining room table. What the hell is that? Its a Woolie Booger. He yells "Woolie Booger my ass",........ and the Woolie Booger tore his ass up!
 
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
 
One of my favourites... and it's train related too!

A mana and a woman are on an overnight train. When it comes time to turn in, they realize that they have been assigned to the same room. After getting over a bit of discomfort related to sharing a room with a stranger, they realize everything will be ok, as there are bunk beds.

The man takes the top bunk, and the woman sleeps on the bottom bunk. In the middle of the night, the man wakes up shivering with the cold. He realizes that his blanket has fallen to the floor.

He calls down, "Ma'am... Ma'am, could you reach that blanket for me? I am awfully cold..."

She replies, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight, let's pretend we are married!"

The man thinks this is a great idea: "OK!"

The woman replies, "Good. Get your own #$%^ blanket."



Andrew
 
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