Humor time.........again

[CN1]

Rated all audiences

*Why can't the engineer be electrocuted?
-Because he's not a conductor!


*What is a lawyer's favorite railroad?
-the SOO Line.


*Response to passenger complaint about increased sleeping car fares:
-"The berth rate has gone up since your last trip."


*Why don't elephants like to ride on railways?
-They hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.


*How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
-Only one, but to no avail. He first punches a hole in the new bulb

 

[CN1]

A little more steam........

A time freight rear-ended a local peddler freight one night, and the ensuing investigation centered on whether or not the crew of the first train had flagged the second train sufficiently.

"Now, then," said the superintendent to the peddler's rear brakeman, "were you flagging your train that night?"

"Yes, sir," he said.

"And were you at least a half-mile from your train?" asked the super.

"Yes, sir," said the brakie.

"And did you attempt to flag the express down?" asked the super.

"Yes, sir, and they went right on past me," the brakie said.

"And did you use a red lantern?" the super asked.

"Yes, sir," the man said. "Of course."

Well, the railroad couldn't decide who was at fault, so the investigation was closed.

"You did just what I asked you to," said the conductor of the local freight to the rear brakeman after the hearing. "You told the truth. But were you nervous at all?"

"You bet!" replied the brakeman. "I was hopin' that guy wouldn't ask me if the lantern was lit!"

 

[Matthyro]

Good stuff CN1 Just needed something like this tonight.

 

[CN1]

All aboaaaaaard......

I once heard a story about a railroad crew that befriended a monkey named Bobo.

The railroaders would play with Bobo and feed him and really treat him nice. In fact, they taught the monkey to give hand signals and run the engine and to even read a switch list and switch out the cars.

Soon Bobo got to be so good at it that the guys would let the monkey do their work while they went fishing. One day the Trainmaster caught the guys fishing while Bobo was doing the work. All of the railroaders got fired on the spot.

A couple of months later the railroaders got a letter from the company. It was a great flowery piece and reinstated all of the railroaders to their former positions with all back pay. It was signed by Trainmaster Bobo.

One night the superintendent caught one of his engineers using a fusee instead of a lantern while oiling around.

"Are you aware those things cost this company fifty cents apiece" roared the super?

"Well no" replied the engineer, "but they're worth every penny of it!"

 

[CN1]

High Ball.....

NASA DEVICE TESTS HIGH SPEED TRAIN SAFETY:

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Brittons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken".

 

[CN1]

Top 10 why........

Joe Reckner's thoughts on why modeling the PC is fun

10. Modeling PC allows me the luxury of using more dummy engines to prototypically model the large number of PC locomotives out of service on any given day.

9. You can use more locomotives per train, as most likely one or two would die en route.

8. If you have frequent derailments, you can just tell your friends you're being prototypical.

7. PRR's attitude of buying at least one copy of most diesel models lends itself perfectly to the modeling world where most of us seem to get at least one of every cool new engine. Of course, if PRR didn't buy a locomotive, the NYC (or NH) probably did. By the time PC came around, there wasn't much that they didn't run.

6. Shoddy maintenance of the engines allows you to highlight your weathering skills.

5. Schedules are made for show only, as any arrival time within a few hours could be considered on time due to track, locomotive or derailment problems. This can lead to more easygoing operating sessions!

4. All of that black paint enhances the color of your foliage or shortline IPD boxcars.

3. My bad trackwork is now actualy highly prototypical!

2. Annoys the heck out of the SPF's (slobbering Pennsy freaks) or SNYCF's (slobbering NYC freaks, if there are such people). and the number one reason why modeling PC is fun.....

1. You can get rid of all (or at least most) of all of those ugly keystone or cigar bands, and replace them with the modern looking "worms in love" PC logo! (especially the red and white version.)

 

[rksstl]

ROFL, that was just what was needed on a monday night

 

[Ralph]

Hee hee! Love that last bit, especially because they're all true!!
Ralph

 

[CN1]

Top 50 of.....

You Might Be a Model Railroader If:

1-you walk into your favorite hobby shop, and the employees immediately say, "Hi, [your name], we'll get the boss for you."

2-you've ever plunked down half your paycheck for equipment in your favorite scale, and then wondered what it would be like to model in a different scale.

3-you've ever sold a perfectly good freight or passenger car, only because the new superdetailed one you just bought makes the old one look bland.

4-you really agonize over decisions like, "Should I buy flowers for my wife or a pair of turnouts for my new staging yard?"

5-you talk about your favorite scale with the zeal and fervor of an evangelist promoting his religion.

6-you see a piece of plywood, and your first thought is to imagine what kind of layout could be built on it.

7-you haven't let your son play with "his" trains since last Christmas.

8-you honestly feel that, if your wife buys a new video tape, that entitles you to buy a freight car, and a new outfit for her means an engine for you. Fair is fair.

9-you've ever gotten into a debate over whether Kato is pronounced "kay-to" or "kah-to."

10-you name the places on your railroad after your wife and children, mostly out of guilt for spending so much time on the layout instead of with them.

11-you've ever traced the route of a wire under your layout by pulling on it.

12-brass isn't something you polish, it's something you paint and weather.

13-you spend more on your model trains in a year than most Third-World nations spend on the real thing.

14-the latest issue of Model Railroader arrives on the same day as your federal tax refund check, and you open the magazine first.

15-the latest issue of Model Railroader arrives on the same day as your state tax refund check, and the only reason you open the check first is so you'll know how much you can afford to spend as you read the ads in the magazine.

16-you've ever bought a freight car you had no use for, just because it looked so nice, and then bought more just like it, so it wouldn't look out of place.

17-you've ever been tempted to send flame e-mail to someone whose only wrongdoing was outbidding you for that special engine on eBay.

18-your wife buys you a bag of ground foam and a box of Hydrocal for your birthday, and you're speechless with joy.

19-you hate watching The Addams Family because of what Gomez does to those gorgeous, rare tinplate trains.

20-you've ever suggested that your wife's ceramic Christmas village needs a train running through it.

21-someone says he's finished his model railroad, and you sadly shake your head and say he's missed the point of the entire hobby.

22-your model trains run closer to schedule than CSX's do in real life.

23-you have a manila folder (or a subdirectory on your computer) full of home-drawn trackplans that you know you'll never build, but they're too good to get rid of.

24-you look forward to the latest announcements from your favorite engine maker with more enthusiasm than a six-year-old looks forward to Christmas.

25-you think that three hours forming and mounting wire grab-irons on a caboose is time well spent.

26-you never miss a chance to try and interest your children in your hobby, even your teen-age son who's in the "cars" stage.

27-you've ever poured your heart into showing off your layout for friends, and their only questions are, "How much did all this cost?" and, "How fast can the engine go?"

28-you sincerely believe that the concept of limited-run engines and cars was dreamed up by the Devil himself.

29-you're setting up a simple Lionel train set to run around the Christmas tree, and you're mentally planning the scenery and structures you'll need "to make it look right."

30-you hate collectors, because they drive up the prices of the equipment you're trying to collect. (But you're going to run yours, and that's different.)

31-your wife assumes you can fix toasters, radios, and vacuum cleaners because "you know all about that wiring stuff from working on your trains, right?"

32-you've ever told yourself, "Never again will I try to mount tiny coupler springs while working over a shag rug!"

33-you've ever felt smug because you found an inaccuracy in a published photo of somebody else's gorgeous layout. Not that you'd ever say anything about it, of course.

34-you've ever refused to buy a model freight car because the stencilled build date (which you had to squint to read) is a year off from the era you're modeling.

35-you've visited a hobby shop on a busy day, and wound up answering detailed questions for the customers.

36-you justify the money you spent at a train show as "just doing my part to improve the nation's economy."

37-your wife gives you something expensive but inappropriate, like an articulated stack car when you model the 50's, and you run it to avoid hurting her feelings, but the whole time, you're squirming inside.

38-you can recite the plot line from at least five Thomas the Tank Engine episodes.

39-you grumble through the entire family vacation trip because there wasn't time to stop at Northlandz.

40-you refuse to buy an inexpensive, beautifully-detailed boxcar lettered for your favorite railroad, because the real thing had fourteen ribs and the model has sixteen.

41-you feel compelled to browse in the local mall's hobby shop every time you go near it, even though you know they charge list price and have nothing you need.

42-you've ever run two or more identical cars in a train, and hoped no one else noticed that the road numbers were the same.

43-you've ever tried to justify bringing home a new freight car on the grounds that it's your wife's favorite color.

44-you talk about the merits of DCC versus cab control at parties.

45-hardly a day goes by without you making progress on planning the layout you're going to build someday.

46-your family has ever eaten in the den because the kitchen table was buried in decals, tools, and detail parts for your latest project.

47-you've ever gotten defensive with your railroading friends about buying a model engine or car from a manufacturer they hold in contempt.

48-you've ever calculated how long your layout is in scale miles, and padded the number by adding the lengths of the sidings and spurs.

49-it constantly annoys you that the kits for model airplanes, cars, and boats in the hobby shop aren't made to useful scales, like 1:87 or 1:160.

50-you've ever told anyone, "I can quit buying freight cars any time I want!"

 

[CN1]

Flyover.........

Famous model railroaders

*Who is the most famous person in the most popular scale? Santa Claus, of course; he's famous for his HO-HO-HO.

*Who's the most famous person in N scale? It has to be Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. He's always saying, "N-gauge!" (He also enjoys restoring antique sewing machines; his other favorite line is, "Make it sew.")

But Capt. Picard is not a one-scale man. He takes a break from N now and then, and dabbles in the next larger scale, when he asks the food replicator for "TT, Earl Grey, hot."

*Speaking of Star Trek, how many of you knew that Captain Kirk is also heavily into trains, especially old Lionel and AF? In "The Trouble with Tribbles," a Klingon describes Kirk as "a tinplate dictator with delusions of godhood." Or something like that.

*Who are the biggest fans of S scale freight trains? The French, who love that S cargo.

*Riders of the Bay Area Rapid Transit system, in the San Francisco area, will know where the idea for BART Simpson really came from.

*We cannot forget the great contribution to fine-scale model railroading made by women during World War II, collectively known as "Rosie the Rivet-Counter."

 

[CN1]

Again and again and....

This is a maintenace sheet left for the Engine shops by a train crew.

(P) Dynamic brakes don't work at any speed.
(S) This locomotive not equipped with dynamic brake.

(P) #2 traction motor seeping oil.
(S) #2 traction motor seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 motors lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cab.
(S) Something tightened in cab.

(P) Evidence of leak in crankcase.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) Alternator volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Locomotive dances up and down when brake applied at 89MPH.
(S) Could not reproduce problem in enginehouse.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Parking brake cause throttle lever to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.

(P) Engine missing.
(S) Engine found under hood after brief search.

(P) Locomotive handles funny.
(S) Locomotive given verbal warning to be serious.

(P) Radio hums.
(S) Reprogrammed radio with the words.

 

[CN1]

Full steam ahead.....

This is an example of job related stress:

The Engineer says to the Firemen: " If that is the last piece of coal you have in your hand, you may want to consider keeping it as a souvineer of your last job."

 

[CN1]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small.

 

[Lighthorseman]

Quote:" 50-You've ever told anyone, "I can quit buying freight cars any time I want!":Unquote


...But you don't really need to quit just yet.

 

[Pitchwife]

You Might Be a Model Railroader If: 51-You've ever tried to claim your layout as a dependent on your income tax return.

 

[eightyeightfan1]

You Might Be A Model Railroader If#52: Visiting a friends house you say: "Take out this pool table and the bar and you could have a hell of a layout!"

 

[mhdishere]

Proof that Jesus is a Model Railroader, and has a HUGE layout, from the song "We See the Lord":

"He is high and lifted up, and His train fills the temple"

(This occured to me one Sunday in church while we were singing this song)

 

[brakie]

Seems that a railroad had a old steam locomotive that spent most of its time in the roundhouse being repaired.
The division superintendent of motive power wanted to put this engine back into service on a full time bases.So he sent a telegram to the shops master mechanic:

LFM MM
How can we get #30 back in full time service?
WRM DSMP

Back came the reply from the master mechanic:

WRM DSMP
Raise the whistle and insert new locomotive.
LFM MM

 

[MasonJar]

Those are great guys!

Andrew

 

[CNWman]

you can recite the plot line from at least five Thomas the Tank Engine episodes.

That becomes more evident in everyone here everyday

Seems that a railroad had a old steam locomotive that spent most of its time in the roundhouse being repaired.
The division superintendent of motive power wanted to put this engine back into service on a full time bases.So he sent a telegram to the shops master mechanic:

LFM MM
How can we get #30 back in full time service?
WRM DSMP

Back came the reply from the master mechanic:

WRM DSMP
Raise the whistle and insert new locomotive.
LFM MM

I don't get it.

EDIT: Now I do :sign1: