"Once upon a Train"

[ezdays]

...found that they got so tied up in their work that they were....yes, tied up in their work. Everyone knew they boys were stuck on top of the train with the instuments, but somehow, no one cared, things were peacful for a change. They all got on the train, all the seats were taken by the passengers, so the Boston Symphony just sat where they could, some in the baggage car, some in the club car, they didn't care, they were all on their way.

The train was moving at last, things for the first time in months looked normal... well, they did until Mrs. Potter has to use the rest room. As she pulled the chain to flush the toilet, a big UMPHAAAA sound came from one of the tubas on top of the train. She screamed, she yelled and became outraged. One more flush, one more "UMPHAAAA". "Hey, someone go to the next car and try the toilet there".

Flush!!!, then a CRASH BANG BOOM as the cymbol and drum let loose.

"Try the next car"

Flush!!!, then TOOTTTTT-TOOOTTTT-TOOOOT as the horns chimed in.

"Hey, grab those Stooges, see what they did, they...

 

[steamhead]

...never got this train back on the tracks...!! How's we supposed to get to Boston??? We can't even get to Santa Barbara!!! Let's just...

 

[Pitchwife]

...grab our insruments, line up and form a marching band. That'll get us to Boston sooner than this crazy train will. So they picked up their insruments, lined up and began marching, playing a rendition of Ozzi Ozborn's Crazy Train. As they marched out of sight somebody said, ".......

 

[ezdays]

...dang if I know how that harpist managed to get that big harp on her shoulder and still play a Susza march. Gee they're good, but I wonder if they know they're heading south. Well, I guess they'll find out when the sun comes up."

No one knew what was going to happen, the passengers were in their seats getting a bit restless, thinking they were going to be moving any minute now. It looked like some of them were talking about forming a lynch mob. Somebody caught a glimps of the Stooges and yelled, "There they are, let's get them" as the mob started running in their direction.

"Whadawedo", squeeked Curly, "I'm scared."

"Lunkheads, am I the only one wit a brain around here?" Replied Moe. "I gotta an idea, it's really simple..... RUN!!!!!!"

Now picture this, a one hundred angry passenger lynch mob was no match for the Stooges, in typical Stooge fashion they did what they were trained to do, they....

 

[N Gauger]

...ran in circles, running amoungst the passengers... until they all snuck away quietly while the passengers chased themselves..... Slowly the stooges edged toward the steam engine and started it moving

slowly.............slooooooooooooooolllly.....so slowwwwwwwwwwly it crept forward - heading toward..................

 

[ezdays]

...towards...absolutely nowhere. Seems as if in all the excitement of gettin the train on the tracks, they put it on a siding and were headed right to the end of the track. Stuff like this never bothered the stooges, Moe yelled to Shemp,"hey, dunderhead, get me the phone and call a plumber".

"Geeze Moe, we ain't got no phone on dis train, but wot good is a plumber gunna do us?"

"Look," said Moe, "don't ever doubt genius when yur looking at it, of course a plumber is what we need blockhead, all he needs to do to get us out of this is to...

 

[N Gauger]

... adjust the flow of the ana-cana-fran-astan and we'll be fine!!

Shemp just nodded and asked if anyone knew where a phone was....

But since they were in the middle of nowhere - it was goin to be hard to find one...

Larry finally said "hey! Why can't we try to adjust that ana-cana thing"??

Moe said -- "Yeah - you're right!! What could go wrong"??

............. so they went.......

 

[Pitchwife]

...in search of the mysterious valve. Since none of them had any idea what it looked like, or even what it did, you know there was trouble ahead, since a little thing like that never stopped the boys. "Here it is." said Curley. "That's not it you lunkhead." retorted Moe. "It most certainly is." said Curley. "Here, let me show you." and he proceeded to turn the valve wheel several turns.
At first nothing happened, but then from under the train came a small noise that steadily grew into a louder noise, and louder, and louder, and louder, until.....

 

[N Gauger]

Chug Chug.......... Chug.......... Chug.............. Chug..........Chug........ Chug.....Chug..... Chug....Chug...Chug..Chug. Chug.Chug.Chug.Chug.Chug Chug.Chug.ChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChugChug

The train started moving - Running as smooth as it had ever run....

Harold Hill came running into the cab screaming with a HUGE Smile!!! "THERE! Ya see???? I TOLD you I could get her running!!!"

"All it took was a bit of good ol' US Knowhow!!"
Larry couldn't stand it anymore.... "What did YOU do?!?!?!"

Harold hill stood tall, straight up and said: "All I did........................

 

[ezdays]

... was ask that guy out there with the white coat on wearing those thick glasses and all those pens in his pocket. He knew right away which button to push. Yeah, a real strange kook he was. Not here now, got on that white pony and rode away with his sidekick Toto yelling, "Hi, ho, platinum." He gave me this here platinum bullet to remember him by, he said it was good to take care off vampires.

"V-v-v-a-a-mmmpires," said Moe, "we're outta h-h-eeere........" as the boys all headed to the baggage car. What they didn't know that waiting in the car was...

 

[Pitchwife]

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. At first they were scared by her spooky demeaner, but after one look at her ample figure in that sexy getup they forgot all about their fear. A fatal mistake, because all of a sudden, without warning she.....

 

[ezdays]

...burst out in her favorite aria from the opera Aeda. Now Elvira might be sexy, but she's no vocal genius. The thrill screetch of her voice made the boy's ears tremble.

"Hey Moe, doesn't that screetching sound like the train is stopping" said Larry.

"Dumbhead, how can we be stopping when we ain't even moving" relplied Moe. "It's probably just a busted pipe underneath the train, let's go fix it."

Well, we all know that those very words have brought tears to more people then we can count.

"Lunkhead, you grab that wrench, Stupid there, go get a big hammer and let's go find wot's wrong."

Well, this looks like yet another episode of "Boys Gone Wild" because just as they headed out the door...

 

[Pitchwife]

...every pane of glass in the vicinity shattered from Elvira's (un)melodic voice. "Oh great" said Moe. "Now we not only have to fix the train, we have to clean up all of this busted glass!"
Thinking quickly, Casey said, "You boys clean up the glass and I'll fix the train." Giving Elvira a grateful smile, he left to work on the train that now had an even chance of actually being fixed correctly. Yes folks, Elvira saved the day, just as she always did on her show with all of those horrid monster movies. However, we can't underestimate the boy's propensity for wreaking havoc doing the simplest task. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that while they were cleaning up the glass, they.....

 

[ezdays]

...found more than just glass. "Hey Moe, lookie, someone left a squirt gun lyin' on the ground", says Curley.

"Lemme see da, ya lunkhead... I autta squirt you right in the head, that's wot I autaa do, like this....KAPOWW!!!!!

"E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-OW-W--W... Geeze Moe, ya coulda hurt someone wid dat"

H-H-H-e-e-e-e-yyyyyyyy, that ain't no squirt gun, that's a real gun, wonder where it came from?"

"Hey Moe, let's just ask that guy over there that's layin' on the ground, I'll bet he knows."

"Uh, mister, can you tell us... Hey, he don't look too good Moe, let's get out our doctor bags and get him fixed up...

Calling Dr. Howard, calling Dr. Fine, calling Dr. Howard... hmmm, the boys seem to have the credentials after all they did play doctors in one picture, but are they for real this time? Can they really help this guy? What's on the menu for dinner tonight? Stay tuned for answers to these and other important questions as we see the boys about to perform their first....

 

[N Gauger]

Frontal Lobotomy.....

Hey Moe, how DO you perform a frontal Lobotomy??

You lunkheads should know - You've probably had one....

Nyuk Nyuk - the closest I've come to a frontal lobotomy - is having a bottle in front of me!!!

Clear out youse guys and let a doctor that's operated - operate!!

Larry: "Yeah sure he's operated on................

 

[Pitchwife]

...a turkey every Thanksgiving, and if that's any indication, this guy is doomed."
Just then Curley said, "Hey guys, look at him. The bullet knocked his brains all crooked. He doesn't need a frontal lobotomy, he needs a rearal lobotomy."
"You idjut." said Moe. "You wouldn't know your frontal from your rearal if it was in sideways.
"Just to be safe I'll take out his appendix and his tonsils first. That'll be good practice on stuff he doesn't need before I tackle his brain."
"Hey Moe," asked Larry. "Are you ever gonna practice medicine enough so that you can do it for real? Yuk, Yuk, Yuk."
"What kind of a lame-brained question is that?" Moe retorted. "Are youse implicating that I'm not qualified to operate on this guy? Just watch this." And with that, Moe reached into his bag and pulled out a six foot crosscut saw and began.....

 

[ezdays]

...playing, "down by the old mill stream". Not a pretty sight, but much better than had he used it on anything else.

Just then the train lurched forward. "hey dimwitts, we gotta train to get going, forget this guy, they need us where it counts", said Moe.

"Okey Dokey", said Curly, as the boys all got behind the train and began to push. Little by little the train began to move forward.

"Hey, it's woikin" said Curly Joe, who up to now wasn't doing much of anything since he hadn't had a signed contract yet.

"PUSH, push, grunt ugh, it's going faster and faster", unfortunately, the train was now going just a bit faster than the boys were pushing. Seems as if during the boy's attempts at surgery, the crew was able to get the fire stoked up and a good head of steam from the boilers. My, what progress is made if you can get the Stooges pre-occupied.

"Comeonyougiez, run, run, run", clunk, splott, "ow, ouch, yeee, boy oh boy, is that gunna hurt tomorrow", as they looked up and heard this hidious laugh coming from the rear platform only to see...

 

[N Gauger]

Dr Hackenbush!!!!!!....

Yes, he was laughing hysterically and then screamed to make sure the boys, turned heros could clearly hear:

(Groucho marx voice) "Well, there you are.... I'm here and you're not"!! Say the secret word and I'll pull the cord to stop the train " .......... "Then again maybe I won't - we'll just have to see... won't we"?!?!?

Moe screamed Who the heck are you??? Where did you come from"?

"Groucho, Hackenbush replied" I came from over there (Pointing) and now I'm here - Where I'm going and who I am is no concern of yours"!

With that Dr hackenbush......................................

 

[ezdays]

...started puffing on his cigar.

"Heyyyyy, youz ain't no doctor, we'z got doctor experience and no doctor smokes smelly cigars like that. Nosiree, we're Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard" Said Curly.

"Oh, OK, I didn't know I was addressing fellow doctors, come right aboard" as he extended a long pole that he carries around for just such purposes. "But first, you gotta say the secret word"

"Secret woid, I don't like secrets" said Curly, "I'm gunna bust you right in the chops"

"Ah hah, that's the secret word," as a chicken on a string plopped from the sky. But by now, the boys were about 100 yards away and they pole was only 50 feet long.

Yeah, but the boys weren't that stupid that they didn't have another solution. "Hey Moe, what's the solution to our problem?" Said Shemp.

"You dunderheads, do I have to do all the thinkin' around here? I got the solution right in this bottle. It says right here on the label.....

 

[N Gauger]

Just add water....

Add water?!?!? Add water to WHAT???

Larry said - the stuff in the bottle!!!

Shure enough - - they poured out the powder - sprayed a bit of water into it....

And .......