"Once upon a Train"
- Thread starter Virginian
- Start date
...the stove (to which the gas has been turned on all of this time). A few minutes after Curly disappeared down the train there came a huge WHUMPH!, a flash of light and a tiny spot going higher and higher in the sky until it finally disappeared. Moe and Larry looked at each other and said, "Uh Oh, now what do we do?" Then, faintly, they heard a tiny, high pitched scream which started getting louder and louder.
"Hey, dat's no scream, dat's a train whistle," says Moe. "we gotta get outta here, fast."
"We can't, we have to wait for Curly," says Larry.
"Don't worry, he'll be dropping in any second," Moe replied.
Just then, Curly came back with a big, whaump, where he landed on one side of the table that Emeril was using to warm up his oysters Rockefeller, causing the whole thing to fly into the air and right into the firebox causing the fire to ignite from the Sterno heater he was using. And not a moment too soon as the other train whistle became louder and louder.
"Hey, we got a head of steam, we have three options" said the engineer, "We can get this thing into reverse and stay in front of this other train, we can go forward and try to make that siding before other train gets here, or we can...
"We can't, we have to wait for Curly," says Larry.
"Don't worry, he'll be dropping in any second," Moe replied.
Just then, Curly came back with a big, whaump, where he landed on one side of the table that Emeril was using to warm up his oysters Rockefeller, causing the whole thing to fly into the air and right into the firebox causing the fire to ignite from the Sterno heater he was using. And not a moment too soon as the other train whistle became louder and louder.
"Hey, we got a head of steam, we have three options" said the engineer, "We can get this thing into reverse and stay in front of this other train, we can go forward and try to make that siding before other train gets here, or we can...
"Sit here & do nothing... Yeah" 
Moe answered "Yeah"!!!!
"Naaaaa - Let's try it"
The Engineer looked at Moe as everyone started yelling "GO!! GO!!"
The train chugged forward! Faster .... Faster............. They could hear the other train whistle coming faster....
The train ran faster - The Engineer started grinning............
Will they make it??
Will they turn onto the siding and avoid certain annialation??
Will they be spilled all over teh countryside???
Will Martha Finally Spill the beans??
Wil this train trip EVER make ANY sense????
Tune in again tomorrow... Where we'll here Moe say.. See? I told you so!!!!!..............
Moe answered "Yeah"!!!!
"Naaaaa - Let's try it"
The Engineer looked at Moe as everyone started yelling "GO!! GO!!"
The train chugged forward! Faster .... Faster............. They could hear the other train whistle coming faster....
The train ran faster - The Engineer started grinning............
Will they make it??
Will they turn onto the siding and avoid certain annialation??
Will they be spilled all over teh countryside???
Will Martha Finally Spill the beans??
Wil this train trip EVER make ANY sense????
Tune in again tomorrow... Where we'll here Moe say.. See? I told you so!!!!!..............
...you dimwits, I gotta do everything myself," as he grabbed the throttle from the engineer. Well, now that the train no longer had a throttle, it was running at top speed with no way to stop it. As the two trains came closer and closer, hearts were pounding faster and faster, sweat poured from brows and the rush of adrenaline was obvious. This was the most trying times for most, but as usual, the Boys were oblivous to the immediate danger and took the throttle to the club car mistaking it for a bottle opener.
"Champagne for all," says Moe, as they all looked out the window to see that there was no second train at all, just a big mirror that was sitting on the siding waiting to be picked up by the next freight train that came by.
"I knew we had nuttin' to worry about," chimed in the other two, unaware that they were opening the bottle with the throttle and they were now approaching "old lump-in-your-throat curve", where the speed limit was 20, and they were going 80 and had no way to slow down. The engineer was frozen in his seat while the Boys were throwing a party in the back. Just one thing after another.
"what to do, what to do, ahh, I know," said the mysterious stanger...
"Champagne for all," says Moe, as they all looked out the window to see that there was no second train at all, just a big mirror that was sitting on the siding waiting to be picked up by the next freight train that came by.
"I knew we had nuttin' to worry about," chimed in the other two, unaware that they were opening the bottle with the throttle and they were now approaching "old lump-in-your-throat curve", where the speed limit was 20, and they were going 80 and had no way to slow down. The engineer was frozen in his seat while the Boys were throwing a party in the back. Just one thing after another.
"what to do, what to do, ahh, I know," said the mysterious stanger...
" simulation??? SIMULATION???" Emeril cried....
"What Simulation??"
They all looked out as the ground, sky, train, and people around them "fuzzed out & fuzzed back in.......
The train was not moving, the boiler was cold, the coal bin was overflowing... and there in front of the train, out the windows of the cab.. thaey could see something that gave them all chills.........
It was humoungous in it's insignificance... it was un-nerving in it's paleness...
..it was.....................................
"What Simulation??"
They all looked out as the ground, sky, train, and people around them "fuzzed out & fuzzed back in.......
The train was not moving, the boiler was cold, the coal bin was overflowing... and there in front of the train, out the windows of the cab.. thaey could see something that gave them all chills.........
It was humoungous in it's insignificance... it was un-nerving in it's paleness...
..it was.....................................
...it, it, looks like... Yes, the Stooges recognized it immediately, it is a Cyclops. They beat up on one in their movies, The Three Stooges Meet Hercules. Yeah, they know how to handle a Cyclops all right.
"Stand back everyone, we know what to do," says Moe. "OK birdbrains, let's go find a copy of that movie so we can find out what we did last time."
In the meatime, the Cyclops started dragging towards the train (Cyclops don't walk, they drag), and with a cold boiler, there wasn't much anyone could do but to shiver in their boots.
The Boys in the meantime weren't shivering since they lost their boots during the last escapade, but they were lounging in comfort in the club car watching their movie and eating popcorn.
As the tall stranger approached to club car, he was horrified. "No, no, stop, you can't eat that stuff, that's not popcorn, it's...
"Stand back everyone, we know what to do," says Moe. "OK birdbrains, let's go find a copy of that movie so we can find out what we did last time."
In the meatime, the Cyclops started dragging towards the train (Cyclops don't walk, they drag), and with a cold boiler, there wasn't much anyone could do but to shiver in their boots.
The Boys in the meantime weren't shivering since they lost their boots during the last escapade, but they were lounging in comfort in the club car watching their movie and eating popcorn.
As the tall stranger approached to club car, he was horrified. "No, no, stop, you can't eat that stuff, that's not popcorn, it's...
Di - Clorethelyne Concentrate!!!!! .
Curley tossed his popcorn away, "Well that ain't for me - I don't "concentrate" on anything!!!
The Stranger said.." No...No.... DCC is used primarily as an suppressant, a depressant, a....."
Moe screamed, "You mean it puts you to sleep??"
Larry replied "Sure it does, every time I concentrate on something, I go to sleep"!
Moe replied, "Hey - lets get the cyclops to concentrate on this concentrate and we'll save the day!!!"
Off they ran.... quietly, the tall dark stranger faces the audience (Camera) and quietly says:
"I don't actually belong in this story, but once in a while, they need "real" help...
And he dissappears hat, long coat and all......... (Shadow type laughter)
We fing our "concentrating" heroes with the DCC heading toward the Cyclops..................
. Curley tossed his popcorn away, "Well that ain't for me - I don't "concentrate" on anything!!!
The Stranger said.." No...No.... DCC is used primarily as an suppressant, a depressant, a....."
Moe screamed, "You mean it puts you to sleep??"
Larry replied "Sure it does, every time I concentrate on something, I go to sleep"!
Moe replied, "Hey - lets get the cyclops to concentrate on this concentrate and we'll save the day!!!"
Off they ran.... quietly, the tall dark stranger faces the audience (Camera) and quietly says:
"I don't actually belong in this story, but once in a while, they need "real" help...
And he dissappears hat, long coat and all......... (Shadow type laughter)
We fing our "concentrating" heroes with the DCC heading toward the Cyclops..................
...but wait, they remembered how they took care of the Cyclops in the film, The Three Stooges Meet Hercules and it wasn't with DCC. No, they remembered that Curly Joe made a pill out of Dysodium Chorinate, and it's a know fact that DC is far superior to DCC in every respect. It's a proven, no frills technology and they are sure it will work. Yeah, in the picture, they got the Cyclops to open his mouth and yell, while they took the DC pill in it's purest form and shot it into the Cyclops mouth rendering him totally limp. "Why," they thought, "couldn't we do this again?"
Well, yeah, they could if they weren't the Stooges, but they started to argue, "DCC is the latest, it should work", said Larry. "No, no, DC is proven to have worked all these years, it's the best" retorted Moe.... This argument seemed to go on and on and detracted from the main point, get rid of the Cyclops and get this train on the road.
Where did that stranger go? How are they going to resolve this DC vs. DCC issue? Hey, where's the train, it's not in sight, where did it go?????
Well, yeah, they could if they weren't the Stooges, but they started to argue, "DCC is the latest, it should work", said Larry. "No, no, DC is proven to have worked all these years, it's the best" retorted Moe.... This argument seemed to go on and on and detracted from the main point, get rid of the Cyclops and get this train on the road.
Where did that stranger go? How are they going to resolve this DC vs. DCC issue? Hey, where's the train, it's not in sight, where did it go?????
"Who was that tall stranger with that rifle hanging from his side?" said Moe. "He looks impressive and I'll bet he could have his own TV show if they ever get to inventing TV that is."
"Hey Moe, what's TV?" says Curly.
"Birdbrain, do I have to tell you everything? Remember when we was talking politely about which is best, DC or DCC?
"Yeah, wots that got to do with it?"
"Well, it's like this ya knucklehead" as he beaned Curly with a mop that they were using to clean up the mess made by... But wait, we're getting ahead of the story, we still haven't gotten this train on the road again, stuck with a cold firebox and no way to light it. Or was that a few epesodes ago?
Not to worry, the tall stranger from that TV show rambled on by once again and shouted out...
"Hey Moe, what's TV?" says Curly.
"Birdbrain, do I have to tell you everything? Remember when we was talking politely about which is best, DC or DCC?
"Yeah, wots that got to do with it?"
"Well, it's like this ya knucklehead" as he beaned Curly with a mop that they were using to clean up the mess made by... But wait, we're getting ahead of the story, we still haven't gotten this train on the road again, stuck with a cold firebox and no way to light it. Or was that a few epesodes ago?
Not to worry, the tall stranger from that TV show rambled on by once again and shouted out...
Ya'll, is on my property and I'd kind of like it better if ya were on your way....
Sure enough, everyone looked down again and saw, that the train was over here..................and the tracks were over there. It was a clear cut case of a switch that was left open on a siding.
The train left the tracks about 500 ft back and 200 ft over.
Now, how to move the train 200 ft to the main line again.................
Sure enough, everyone looked down again and saw, that the train was over here..................and the tracks were over there. It was a clear cut case of a switch that was left open on a siding.
The train left the tracks about 500 ft back and 200 ft over.
Now, how to move the train 200 ft to the main line again.................
..."well, I don't want to sound like a know-it-all, but I do know it all about cooking, and I used to be a cook at this ranch, run by the Virginian," said Emeril, "and I know he's tought but fair."
"Fair, smare, I don't care," said this big burly guy at the back of the crowd (why are these guys always at the back of the crowd?). "This guy beat us in the Nielson ratings for cowboy TV shows two years in a row, and I don't trust him."
"Why, it's Hoss Cartright, TV big guy. He's as big as a horse and could help us get back on track," the crowd said in unison.
"If Paul Bunyonseed can do it, so can I" he yelled, "Let's get going."
"Hey you dunderheads, he's counting on us, we won't let him down. Grab those bars and let's go."
"But Moe, those bars are connected to...
"Fair, smare, I don't care," said this big burly guy at the back of the crowd (why are these guys always at the back of the crowd?). "This guy beat us in the Nielson ratings for cowboy TV shows two years in a row, and I don't trust him."
"Why, it's Hoss Cartright, TV big guy. He's as big as a horse and could help us get back on track," the crowd said in unison.
"If Paul Bunyonseed can do it, so can I" he yelled, "Let's get going."
"Hey you dunderheads, he's counting on us, we won't let him down. Grab those bars and let's go."
"But Moe, those bars are connected to...
... the engine"!!!
"Where!?!??"
"Look - they are connected to the Engine"!!!!
Sure enough, they saw their problem, The engine was sitting on a bunch of bars all laid side by side and under the engine.. They stuck out both sides and everyone seemed to get the same idea at once.... if we push the engine backwards, it should roll on the bars and roll back to the switch.....
They started pushing... and only because there were 1000 people helping, the engine started moving... slowly at first, then a bit faster
"Look We're doing it"
"Shut up & Push you lunkhead!"
But, as they got closer to their goal, they realized.............
"Where!?!??"
"Look - they are connected to the Engine"!!!!
Sure enough, they saw their problem, The engine was sitting on a bunch of bars all laid side by side and under the engine.. They stuck out both sides and everyone seemed to get the same idea at once.... if we push the engine backwards, it should roll on the bars and roll back to the switch.....
They started pushing... and only because there were 1000 people helping, the engine started moving... slowly at first, then a bit faster
"Look We're doing it"
"Shut up & Push you lunkhead!"
But, as they got closer to their goal, they realized.............
...the engine was moving but the cars were still back there, wa-a-a-a-y back.
"Keep pushing you birdbrains while I forumulate a gargantuian ideal."
"Heyyyy, Moe's got edjucation," said Curley. "Nyuk, nyuk, he'll get us out of this."
"Of course I will, seems like I gotta do all the thinkin for all of us around here."
He thought and thought and BOING!!!! as he spotted Emeril boiling a big pot of spaghetti and meatballs.
"Hey, you, lunkhead, go get that pot from Emeril, and you, birdbrain, grab that box of mops. Yeah, and you, you get me a bottle of window cleaner and a tube of acne remover paste, and you other guys over there see if you can find that box of buckshot we brought. Don't stop pushing, just gimmee all those things and my brain tells me that this here plan is gunna work. First we...
"Keep pushing you birdbrains while I forumulate a gargantuian ideal."
"Heyyyy, Moe's got edjucation," said Curley. "Nyuk, nyuk, he'll get us out of this."
"Of course I will, seems like I gotta do all the thinkin for all of us around here."
He thought and thought and BOING!!!! as he spotted Emeril boiling a big pot of spaghetti and meatballs.
"Hey, you, lunkhead, go get that pot from Emeril, and you, birdbrain, grab that box of mops. Yeah, and you, you get me a bottle of window cleaner and a tube of acne remover paste, and you other guys over there see if you can find that box of buckshot we brought. Don't stop pushing, just gimmee all those things and my brain tells me that this here plan is gunna work. First we...
spread the acne remover paste all over the ground. Then we cover that with the buckshot, mix the meatballs and the window cleaner in the bowl and use the mops to spread that over the whole thing. "That'll reduce the fraction and make it easier for the engine to move over it."
"That's not how you reduce the fraction." said Curly. "To do that you have to multiply by a negative number."
"Oh, a wize guy eh? Why I otta..."
While the boys were discussing math their plan might have worked if they ha put the conglomeration where the engine was going. Instead they put it where everyone was pushing and the whole place looked like an ice rink.
"Who's responable for this mess?" cried everyone as they slipped, slid and skidded around, trying to stay on their feet.
"Who else but those stooges?" yelled someone in the crowd.
"We've had just about enough of their shenanigans!" cried someone else.
"Let's get em!" and the whole group, now officially a mob, headed for the unsuspecting trio.
"That's not how you reduce the fraction." said Curly. "To do that you have to multiply by a negative number."
"Oh, a wize guy eh? Why I otta..."
While the boys were discussing math their plan might have worked if they ha put the conglomeration where the engine was going. Instead they put it where everyone was pushing and the whole place looked like an ice rink.
"Who's responable for this mess?" cried everyone as they slipped, slid and skidded around, trying to stay on their feet.
"Who else but those stooges?" yelled someone in the crowd.
"We've had just about enough of their shenanigans!" cried someone else.
"Let's get em!" and the whole group, now officially a mob, headed for the unsuspecting trio.
As they ran towards the Stooges, suddenly they heard this melody wafting across the field as if it was coming from back where the passenger cars sat. They all stopped running and an errie hush fell over the mob.
"What's that?" they whispered in unison (I love it when 1000 people whisper something) Let's sneak up and find out (as if a crowd of 1000 could "sneak" anywhere)
"Why that's a Christmas carol" said a few, let's go closer.
"Why, why... it's.... it's the Boston Symphony, how did they get here?"
Martha, being the forward one, ran up to the guy with the big stick thinking it might be a prison guard, and said, "Hey, watcha doing around these here parts?" (we all know where she learned to talk like that)
"Well, see that big bus over on the highway with two flat tires?", said the music conductor, (Not to be confused with the RR conductor.) Our bus broke down and we need to get to Boston really quick for our annual Christmas concert. We saw this train stopped and hoped you could get us there on time. We were just practicing to keep warm while you guys got that engine on the tracks."
"Ho boy", said the conductor, (the RR one), this train seats 1000, there's 500 of you guys, each with an instrument, that makes a full train. How're we gunna do that, we have 1000 passengers already?"
"I know", said the tall stranger in the back of the crowd. "I have a plan, and it's so simple you'll all be embarrased that you didn't think of it. First we...
"What's that?" they whispered in unison (I love it when 1000 people whisper something) Let's sneak up and find out (as if a crowd of 1000 could "sneak" anywhere)
"Why that's a Christmas carol" said a few, let's go closer.
"Why, why... it's.... it's the Boston Symphony, how did they get here?"
Martha, being the forward one, ran up to the guy with the big stick thinking it might be a prison guard, and said, "Hey, watcha doing around these here parts?" (we all know where she learned to talk like that)
"Well, see that big bus over on the highway with two flat tires?", said the music conductor, (Not to be confused with the RR conductor.) Our bus broke down and we need to get to Boston really quick for our annual Christmas concert. We saw this train stopped and hoped you could get us there on time. We were just practicing to keep warm while you guys got that engine on the tracks."
"Ho boy", said the conductor, (the RR one), this train seats 1000, there's 500 of you guys, each with an instrument, that makes a full train. How're we gunna do that, we have 1000 passengers already?"
"I know", said the tall stranger in the back of the crowd. "I have a plan, and it's so simple you'll all be embarrased that you didn't think of it. First we...
......tie all the instruments to the roofs of the cars with this rope.......
Moe grabbed the rope and said: "We'll do it - consider it done"!!!
They started gathering all the instruments & tying them to the roofs....
The Band did not look enthused......
Teh stooges finished tying them on.......... but..................
Moe grabbed the rope and said: "We'll do it - consider it done"!!!
They started gathering all the instruments & tying them to the roofs....
The Band did not look enthused......
Teh stooges finished tying them on.......... but..................
unfortunately none of the boys had ever been a boy scout and they knew so little about knots that they didn't even tie their shoes. Not letting a small shortcoming like this slow them down they used every bit of rope on the train, which wasn't much. When they got to the last of the insruments and no more rope they.....