Jokes

Julez86

New Member
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' *! *

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back
window** **And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
 

pipopak

New Member
Ah, Computers!

Ah, Computers!

We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for
anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it: see Wired on the subject.
-----
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
--Joseph Campbell

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. --Mitch Ratliffe

A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their
sex organs. --Solomon Short

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts
you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them
together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. --IBM
maintenance manual, 1925

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo Picasso

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk
to reach a high shelf. --Sam Ewing

Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins. --Robert
Heinlein (in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress")

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. --Jeff Pesis

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were
part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.
--Geraldine Ferraro

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that
can be mass produced with unskilled labor. --Wernher von Braun

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either. --Marvin Minsky

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. --Jack Handey

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. --J.H. Goldfuss

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
--Janet Reno

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause
accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --Robert Orben

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive,
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. --Gene Spafford

Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now! --Homer Simpson
 

KainHarrison

New Member
How about some Chuck Norris Facts (Jokes)

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can run so fast, he can run around the world and punch
himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris awarded Harvard an honorary degree.

Chuck Norris puts the fun in funeral.

Windows 7 was Chuck Norris' Idea.
 

Malic

New Member
I went to a "Stand-Up for kids" session. I cracked a few jokes pointing fun at little children. Turns out "Stand Up for kids" is a charity, not a stand up comedy club...

For the record, it's not a true story :p

I'm sure I unfortunately know a few people that it could be a true story for.sign1
 

Vortex_4200

Member
Sunday morning in church:

As the preacher and the congergation are singing, the devil appears in a burst of flames and a cloud of brimstone and he roars!
The preacher and the congergation run out of the church, except for one man he his looking at his song book.
The devil roars again! the man doesn't move just keeps looking at his song book
The devil gets right up in the mans face and roars again! the man still not flinching and still looking at his song book says "You can't scare me, I'm married to your sister."
 
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