Air Traffic Control tower conversation...

[shaygetz]

I know it's airplanes but it's still funny stuff :thumb:


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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little
Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

****************************************************************************

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

****************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

****************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

****************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."

****************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- And I
didn't land."

****************************************************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, sreaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I knowit's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension
in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[yellowlynn]

Atc

I find that absolutely hilarious. I was a tower/radar approach controller for 12 years in the Air Force, and 10 years as an Air Route Traffic Controller with FAA. I can really and truly chortle and guffaw because of first hand knowledge.

Lynn

 

[eightyeightfan1]

Here's one I heard while going to airframe and powerplant school in Massachusettes:
A DC-10(three engines) was on a flight from New York to LA, when the tail engine quit. Quickly the flight enginneer did some calculation to figure out how much longer it was going to take. The FE told the pilot it was going to take three extra hours flying on two engines. A couple of hours into the flight, the left engine quit. Again the FE quickly made his calculations and told the pilot it was going to take six hours, flying on one engine. It wasn't long before the last engine quit. The co-pilot turned to the FE and said"Now were going to be up here for ever aren't we"

 

[Matthyro]

Here is one from the days when I was training as a pilot in the RCAF flying a Harvard aka Texan in the US. I was in the landing pattern but when I lowered the undergarriage I didn't get the green lights so called the tower and they cleared me for a fly by. I did this and called the tower asking if they could see the undercarriage OK. The response I got was "You twit, you came so close to the tower we thought you would hit us so we all ducked". Needles to say I didn't ask for another fly by but re-entered the circuit and landed and the gear held up OK. I got some demerit points for that episode.

 

[b28_82]

I gotta send those to my ATC friend thats stationed at Lakenheath.

 

[N Gauger]

Too Funny!!

Ok - now where are all the Train Dispatcher Stories??!!??!!??!!??

 

[TomPM]

:thumb:

 

[N Gauger]

Here's a oldie - but Goodie - That My Mom always liked

A ship in the fog is heading for port... The radar shows nothing for a few miles ahead....

Radio Voice: Turn your ship 15 Deg Starboard....

The captain - when informed of this says that since he's a battleship - he turns for no-one!

"Sparky" sends -- Our Captain says - we turn for noone!!!

The radio voice replies: Captain, please turn 15 Deg starboard.....

The captain replies - I am a captain in The US NAvy - alter YOUR course 15 deg Starboard......

Again the radio: I am a Lieutanant.. Alter your course 15 Deg Starboard...

The Captain finally gives up - We Are a Battleship - we turn for no-one!!!

Radio: I am a Lighthouse - you have 20 seconds to turn 30 Deg Starboard.................

 

[yellowlynn]

Atc

Another oldie. Aircraft calls tower for a time check.
Tower: A/C requesting time check please identify.
A/C: What difference does it make? Just give me a time check.
Tower: It makes a difference on how to answer.
A/C: How to answer?
Tower: Affirmative. If you're civilian, it's 2:15. If Air Force, it's 1415. If you're Navy, it's afternoon. If Marine, it's Monday, and Army,it's June.

Lynn

 

[N Gauger]

Good One Lynn!!!!!!!!

 

[ausien]

All so funny can you keep them comming...have a good one..steve

 

[Sir_Prize]

True story:
Marine named Bob Major.
becomes a Sargent.
Gets invited to a Presidental affair as a Sargent Major.
Embrassed Sarggent tells people in charge.
3 Star General says;" Sit.... You are more quilified than anyone here."

Next:
Private on guard duty in Vietnam after 2200 (10pm for Civvies, Dark for Army, Sleepy time for A.F., No smoking for Navy).
Person approachs, Private says;"Halt who goes there?"
Captain approaching replies;"Captain America, Private let me pass."
True name again.
Private responds,"Well, Wonder Woman is coming by later... Fly your A## over here!"
Private on KP (trash pickup) for a month.

 

[Badyin Macfadyi]

I retired last year after more than 35 years as a controller at Maastricht UAC and although they're oldies they still bring a smile. Here's a couple more, not in the best of taste I admit.

There's another one about the Lufthansa 747 at Frankfurt who announced he had to return to the gate as one of the pax was missing. An anonymous voice on the freq. asked, "Did you look in the oven?"

A number of years ago at Aberdeen, the last flight due in in the evening was a Dan-Air; he duly called,"Approach this is the

Dan-Air 123."
This continued all the way through the approach and landing, until the ground controller finally asked why the obscenity. The answer came back, "Listen to the ATIS ( The Automatic Terminal Information Service) Broadcast!"
There, in the background, could clearly be heard, "Where's the

Dan-Air, I want to go home."

 

[60103]

Has anyone heard the "Air Traffic Controller's Speech"? It's an after dinner talk by a British ATC, with all sorts of little tales. It's on record somewhere.
At the end of the talk, he admits one thing puzzles him: "Why are the plane's washroom windows frosted?"

 

[Papa Bear]

LOL. Good ones! :thumb:

 

[Badyin Macfadyi]

60103 The guy's name is David Gunson. The CD is available here
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00002MOJK/infoline0f-21/202-0624751-8615844

 

[60103]

Thanks, Badyin.