Jokes

[Vince]

What do you call a cow with no legs?


Ground Beef.

[Vince]

What do you call a dog with no legs?


Call him anything you want, he still won't come to you.

[Vortex_4200]

Sunday morning in church:

As the preacher and the congergation are singing, the devil appears in a burst of flames and a cloud of brimstone and he roars!
The preacher and the congergation run out of the church, except for one man he his looking at his song book.
The devil roars again! the man doesn't move just keeps looking at his song book
The devil gets right up in the mans face and roars again! the man still not flinching and still looking at his song book says "You can't scare me, I'm married to your sister."

[marinesniper2008]

a man was driving pretty fast at 2am a cop pulls him over and said what are you doing out at this hour, the gentalman replied im going to a lecture on what drinking, smoking and staying out alnight will do to the body...
the cop said who is giving a lecture at this time of the morning?

the man says MY WIFE

[micahrogers]

If at first you don't succeed... Skydiving is not for you.

[Spartacus]

I spent three hours at my wife's gave this morning.




Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

[Experimental Designs]

A pastor was holding a sermon about resurrection and he asked the crowd if anyone knew what resurrection was.
A 6 year old boy rose up with a smile on his face, so proud to know the answer and said: “It’s when if you have it for more than 4 hours you should call a doctor.”

[zathros]

That's really funny!

A father is camping with his very young son and they are both taking a morning pee when the son looks over to the father and says, "What's that?", the father, caught off guard and embarrassed says, "Why that's my nerve son."

Later that week, the little boy had to go to pee really bad and the Kindergarten teacher wouldn't acknowledge his raised his hand, so the little boy runs up to the window and proceeds to go pee out the window. The teacher, quite angry says, "Why you've got some nerve!", to which the boy replies, "You think that's something, you should see my Dad's!!".

[Revell-Fan]

Recently in class.
Teacher: "How many letters are in the alphabet?"
Pupil: "24."
Teacher (surprised): "What makes you think that?"
Pupil: "Well, you know, E.T. has gone home!"

[Rhaven Blaack]

A dog walks into an office with a newspaper in his mouth. He walks up to the desk, spits the paper out, places his paw on an advertisement, and barks. the man sitting at the desk says, "You need to be able to type a 75 words per minute with less then 5 mistake". So the dog goes over to the type writer and is able to type 100 words per with 0 mistakes. The man said "OK, but you have to take dictations at 100 words per minute". So the dog had shown that he could do it at 150 words per minute. Then the man said "FINE, you need to know short-hand". The dog was able to demonstrate that he could write in short-hand. At this point the man was starting to get annoyed with the dog, so he finally said "You have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the man and said "MEOW"!

[Revell-Fan]

LOL! That was good! Here's another one:

Two friends sitting at the bar:
- I've got a headache.
- Ah, I know what it's like. Yesterday I had one, too.
- And what did you do to get rid of it?
- I made love to my wife. Worked fine, the headache disappeared immediately. You should give it a try, too.
- Hmm... Do you think your wife will approve?

[Trimble Epic]

My wife's father once played an album by the band called Bread. She asked about it, and he told her the list of songs was things like:
PB & J
Ham & Cheese
Fried Balogna
Egg Salad
etc...


sounds like Jimmy Buffet's actual repertoire if you ask me

[Trimble Epic]

Two blind guys walk into a bar...

...one of them only broke his nose, and the other had a mild concussion.

[Trimble Epic]

Three men died and went to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St Peter explains that in heaven, they get around in cars... But the quality of the car is based on how well you behaved back on earth.

The first man walked up to St. Peter and explained that he was a faithful husband for 40 years, a great father, and always gave offerings to the church. He was given a Mercedes.

The second man walked up and explained to St. Peter that he was not as perfect as the first man. He had had a hard life, and cheated on his wife once, but otherwise tried as hard as he could. He was given a Toyota.

The third man got worried. He had to explain that he had been a real dog. He was never faithful to his girlfriends, had been divorced numerous times, never went to church, and even robbed a liquor store once. He was given an old used Geo Metro.

...So, one day the third man is driving around heaven in his old beat up car when he happens upon the first man. He is parked at the side of the road, out of his car crying on the side of the road. The third man jumps out of his car and runs over to see what is the matter. The third man explains "How can you be crying? We're in heaven and you've got the best car. Everything is going your way.. what could possibly go wrong?"

The first man turns to him and says, sobbingly, "you don't understand.. I just saw my wife... she had a skateboard!"